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Scared Scars

Today at lunch where I sat mostly keeping to myself in a more or less empty class room, I noticed I was being stared at. I mean I couldn't have been sure but as it tured out my side-eye vision wasn't as bad as I thought. Her head cocked to a side as she stared intently into my arm which made me rather uncomfortable. When she finally noticed she asked me,"do you cut yourself?" And oh boy, was I taken aback. In the moment I was actually smiling when I heard her say again,"its not funny and neither is it a joke". Well for the first time during break I decided to break my silence as I told her that the scars were indeed self inflicted and that I was alright. She didn't look convinced. So I went on about how there was a time when I cut my flesh hoping to cope with the turmoil within, and how with each cut I wanted to edit something in my past even though I knew that was far from possible. I told her how it was funny now that I had moved on and was at a much better place and how looking at my scars remind me of how much I've been through and how thankful I was to have been thought something that I thought would be the hardest parts of my life. Looking back makes me feel more powerful and resilient and most of all content with myself, and with everything that I had. I finally felt like everything I had was sufficient and I was complete. Now she smiled and so did I and I knew we sparked a connection right there. We spoke to each other everyday since until I discovered that she only spoke to me out of pitty. It hurt me the most when a friend told me about it. I knew something was wring when she started her sentence off with,"promise you won't be hurt with whatever I have to say" And that's when I knew I would be but I nodded anyway. She told me how my new "friend" had felt such enormous pity that she decided to engage in "polite conversation".
when I look back at it now, that was probably the time that I decided to shut myself off from everything . Isolation, as I learned wasn't all that bad especially for someone with social anxiety. Most of all what I take from this is that no matter what a person might say, you can never really know what's on their mind, so before you open up to anyone, give it some thought. I never needed anyone's sympathy but I feel like the world as we know it could use so much more empathy.
I never spoke to her since but this gave me so much power to embrace my flaws and accept myself the way I was. I wasn't perfect and that realization worked wonders.

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