The Nocturnal Creature

13rw romanticizes suicide. Before I start with this I feel compelled to say that suicide is never an easy option for anyone to take, the fact that you’ve been pushed to such a point where you believe that it is your only option is hard and even unthinkable to some of us. Now having said that, I would like to commend the directors and the writers of 13rw for making suicide look like a hard decision for someone to make and to deliver such a rock solid script is anything but easy so kudos to y’all. You must have realized by now that I actually feel that the message the TV series 13rw tried to deliver is extremely valid and that my title is basically click bait. There have been a lot of people criticizing the TV series saying that it made suicide seem like a “cool” option for teenagers and that the show had actually encouraged teens to decide to take their lives. Another thing that has been floating around is that the show depicts suicide to be a way to draw attention to yourself. ...

There’s beauty in everything, but the beauty in the rage of fire is something that definitely stands apart from the rest. Lighting fires just to watch the flames swallow up everything was fascinating to me and had always been and I don’t know what that says about me. Ashes are just remains until you know what they were before they were reduced to the ashes that lie there only to be blown away by the wind. There’s also a comfort in the warmth of a cigarette. I never understood how something burning in your hands could make you feel powerful in a way that nothing else could. Forest fires signify the power of this fiery rage and I’m glad we were taught to not play with fire. There’s a notion that fire is always powerful which brings me to think that if it really were so, then why do we feel like a candle flame that is about to burn out?

I remember you as everything but your name. So I called you the wolf, the predator of the dark with a sharp eye that could spot the slightest of vulnerabilities.  The way you sank your teeth into my throat in a way that held me paralyzed so I couldn’t cry for help. You slipped your body into mine, pretending to not notice that I didn’t seem to replicate the actions you forced me into. I still wake up in hot sweats thinking about the way you satisfactorily licked your lips after you had feasted on my insecurities and left me like a limp prey awaiting death. It’s true I didn’t die, but a part of me sure did and as you walked away I wish I were dead.  The body no longer felt like my own, I was trapped in this body where I no longer felt welcome. I was a guest in the only place I had felt welcomed, you made me feel like an outsider in the truest sense. The sky grew overcast with clouds the color of a corpse, and it sucked me in and sure enough I was the storm. I was the eye ...

You  burned all your bridges to paradise, watched it go up in flame, with no way to build them again. But you knew heaven wasn't meant for sinners like you. Your sins so heavy, the earth almost stopped in its tracks. We're are flawed beings only learning what it means to truly exist and what it feels like to heal.

Amidst the chaos we stood strong, united and never before more alive. Our eyes burned brighter than the sun and we could breath smoke to sustain ourselves. We were masters of our own creation and we ruled our desires. We created a world in which I immortalized you in poetry and you painted me in my true colors. It all fell into place, like puzzle pieces who's edges didn't have to be trimmed. We were precise, planned and calculated. Not a math problem but an algorithm which allowed us to make our own rules. It was magic, and your touch, electric. Everything I did was for you, until I realized a lost a part of me along the way that never learned its identity without you. ~ the boy that loved too hard.

Today at lunch where I sat mostly keeping to myself in a more or less empty class room, I noticed I was being stared at. I mean I couldn't have been sure but as it tured out my side-eye vision wasn't as bad as I thought. Her head cocked to a side as she stared intently into my arm which made me rather uncomfortable. When she finally noticed she asked me,"do you cut yourself?" And oh boy, was I taken aback. In the moment I was actually smiling when I heard her say again,"its not funny and neither is it a joke". Well for the first time during break I decided to break my silence as I told her that the scars were indeed self inflicted and that I was alright. She didn't look convinced. So I went on about how there was a time when I cut my flesh hoping to cope with the turmoil within, and how with each cut I wanted to edit something in my past even though I knew that was far from possible. I told her how it was funny now that I had moved on and was at a much b...

On days that you stand so small, and the world too big to notice of your existence, remind yourself that you are enough. Remind yourself that in spite of all the hate and the judgement, people care about you more than you think. On days when the atmosphere of this rock suffocates you, remind your lungs that you are strong. calm your breathing. Close your eyes and feel the wind between your fingers whisper the answer to you. On days when your head hangs as low as your self worth, remind yourself of battles you have won and the hearts you have touched. On days when suicide and self harm seem like the right options, remind yourself of your anxiety, the hardest battle till date, but you won.  And most of all, you are beautiful and you should know that. on nights when the demons come out to play, don't hide under your sheets, befriend them. they are a part of you more people should know about, and love despite the darkness. And most of all, you are beautiful and you ...

My love for you was unconditional, it's better to have had your heart broken, than to have never loved. i was caught paralyzed the poisonous web of your lies, with your honest eyes always cautious  never letting your guard down even for a second. we knew how it would end, but we remained oblivious and lived half lives. not all stories had happy endings, ours went down in ravishing flames. But do not fear, lovers, for it is worth loving the person who makes all the hardships bearable no matter how draining. but sometimes i can't help but wonder, were we really in love or were we sacred to be alone in a world built for two?

Its funny how you destroy me little by little on the inside, and come to conclusions of how i am and always have been, incomplete. teach me how you can devastate and shatter my heart so easily, and i shall continue to immortalize you in my poetry. teach me how you rip my heart to shreds only so that i am caught off guard, and i will continue to paint you with the leftover colours on my palette. tell me how it was so easy for you to move on, and i swear the poetry i write for you will be eternal and will burn with desire. but most of all, remind me of the person i was before you came in, teach me how to be whole again, teach me how to love and teach me to find my own happiness. teach me of what it really means to be free so my clipped wings can taste the joy of flight teach me how to forget and to trust again for otherwise love will always be a mysterious giftunkown to me.

Have you ever felt the warm tears stream down your face? where you are helpless, and your world falls apart one after the other? and the ground shifts gradually to create an infinite chasm. you think it's alright,  you try to be as happy as what you pretend to be, but that would be easier if the resonating hollowness of your soul were filled. crying isn't a sign of weakness, and crying doesn't make you weak, crying simply reminds us that through it all, we are only flawed and human. After all the rhetoric questions that you dramatise, you stand alone only to find more questions yet to be answered.

Sometimes i feel lonely in the arms of my love, i know it has to be me because nothing ever is enough. No i wont go back to fortifying my emotions, but i can also not be the strong person i'm trying to be. Building an impenetrable outside, leaving my heart unguarded. yes i feel broken and damaged beyond repair, sometimes all I need is a shoulder to cry  but tears run out when you've already cried oceans. I need someone to know and appreciate the real me, love me for who i am, and share my dysphoria,  but i know all to well that this is the sorrow that i shall keep.

I saw you today, at the end of the lecture hall. I felt the same familiar ache fill my chest. I was thankful, at least it didn’t feel hollow the way I did when you left. I felt nothing this time, I found the urge to go up to you and tell you that, but god was I too weak. I was reminded of those sad eyes telling me everything was fine, and those eyes filling with honest lies. I thought of you every day since but now I picture myself in a new kind of fantasy. I find myself in the arms of someone else and dancing the night away to the music of melancholic nostalgia. Time, I thought, had a way of letting us know that we care too much and love too hard. It wasn’t you it was me, I was dying to say, no matter how much of a cliché it was, how could I love you more than I loved myself? How could I let you in when I had so many barriers obstructing my feelings? I knew you understood when I told you, you knew this was coming but you wanted to believe we could make it work, and for some tim...